Hey guys, it’s Kaz here.

I’ll write about me later. A lot. Like, it’s going to be a memoir from here on out. You’re going to be so sick of me.

For now, though, football. And the Iggles. Happy Free Agency Eve, everyone.

The Birds enter free agency with their usual bazillion bucks (read: $9.8 million) in cap space, and there are opportunities to shave more. Sure, there’s Asante Samuel’s $8.5 million, but there are far more egregious offenders when you factor in production. (If you ever forget why DeSean Jackson spent the year listening to Linkin Park, just remember that Darryl Tapp made more than four times as much as him in 11-12)

Here’s a list of things the Eagles will not be doing with that money, no matter what you say or hear (in declining level of stupidity):

1.     Signing a linebacker. After you get through reading articles like this, and this, and this, go back here and scroll through all the names under the “Linebacker” column. There there…it’s okay to cry. Go ahead. Let it allllll out. We good? Good. This is good practice for when Greg Lloyd is our starting middle linebacker come week 6 next year.

2.     Getting a different quarterback. Come….on. Remember this? Whether or not Mikey Vick is going to see most of that big money himself, the Eagles sure aren’t, and they’re guaranteed not to see $40 of it anymore. He’s going nowhere.

3.      Signing another receiver. Even though the Birds have proven themselves fairly adept at absolutely tanking the value of their players before trading them in the past, they won’t do it again with Jackson. His 2011-12 numbers weren’t far off from his career averages. He’s going to play out his tag year and play hard, now that he knows crying like a punk b***h won’t work.

With Jackson, Maclin and Avant, where in the world do you plan on putting Plax Burress? He’s not playing in the slot, and you can’t move Maclin there full time. Plax becomes a situational guy, and at that point, you may as well settle up with Vince Young’s best friend.

Here’s what they will do:

A.     Re-sign Evan Mathis. Despite the fact that Grantland analytics guy Bill Barnwell doesn’t appear to know who he is, a lot of other people seem to have figured out that Mathis is a boss. He’s quick, he’s smart and he’s humble, not to mention he’s the team’s Twitter MVP. There’s no way even Brent Celek is filling in that kind of social media production. The Eagles line was actually really freaking good last year once they developed stability, and with everyone else on the line signed through at least 2013-14, they can’t afford to lose him.

B.     Picking up a safety who isn’t LaRon Landry. Landry is exactly what the Eagles need. He’s in the prime of his career, he’s great in run support, he’s improved in pass coverage, and he has more pedigree than the Birds’ current group of safeties combined. He was also immensely overpaid in Washington and probably isn’t interested in taking a pay cut. And there’s that other thing where he’s totally ignoring everything doctors are telling him about his Achilles injury and refusing to get surgery.

The Eagles took a risk on essentially crippled Marlin Jackson a few years back because he was cheap, so when it turned out he was essentially crippled, it cost them little. LaRon Landry will cost them a few Jeffery Lurie yachts even if he stayed true to that bogus “I’ll sign a one-year deal in the prime of my career to prove I’m healthy” line. Instead, get ready for a big-time Mike Adams, O.J. Atogwe or Melvin Bulitt signing, because SOMEONE has to be around to get benched for Kurt Coleman midway through the year.

Also, here is your obligatory picture of LaRon Landry’s upper body. Nearly forgot.

C.     Finally getting Albert Haynesworth. To play fullback, of course.

Elsewhere in the NFL:

·      Back in 2010, the NFL told all its teams they were allowed to eat as many or as few cookies as they wanted to. The Redskins and Cowboys ate a ton of cookies. Today, the NFL punished them for eating too many cookies.

·      LOLB #51 thinks RGIII is going to be good at football. So there’s that.

·      Pretty-good running back Mike Tolbert thinks he would be a good replacement for Big Fat Brandon Jacobs on the Giants.

·      The 49ers signed Randy Moss, giving them another big wide receiver for Alex Smith to not throw the ball to.

·      Since the Colts are all done cutting their good players, their mediocre ones are now leaving.

And here…we…go.

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